Trust and Self Disclosure
Self-Disclosure is the act of making yourself known to others. And as Mentor, you are bound at times to find yourself in a situation described by your Mentee that immediately triggers something you may have experienced. In that moment, there may arise a feeling of empathy, and relating. Or your Mentee may even ask you, human to human, what your experience has been or how you feel about subject x and whether situation y has happened to you as well.
Self-disclosure is a powerful part of human communication and a conscious technique that has been studied and used in therapy, counselling and coaching for many years. But as Mentors the question arises – do we share about our own experience with the Mentee? And how can you know whether you are not crossing the very fine line to an extent where you are no longer serving your Mentee? How do you manage the delicate, sensitive part of our human nature to connect with others, especially when we are supposed to work in an equal partnership with our Mentee co-creating this journey?
Layers of Privacy

Our Need to Self -Disclose
Our need to self-disclose is quite amazing. It’s an expression of our need to connect with others, a way to give some of ourselves to the world, and often contains the hope of receiving some of that connection back. We express our psychological boundaries in the way we self-disclose. Contrast an upper-class British person who has been schooled to self-disclose very little, and to do it carefully, with a British or American teen-ager on Facebook telling the world about their most intimate moments with little self-censoring. The whole social networking phenomenon is all about self-disclosure.
Our Fear of Self -Disclosing
Simultaneously we often have many fears about self-disclosure. Self-disclosure makes us vulnerable. Our vulnerability, when displayed to people we can’t trust can open us to attack, to being taken advantage of. It can result in a loss of face. Cultural groups (ethnic, class, etc.) that are more concerned about this loss of face may very consciously teach their members to reveal less about themselves, or to reveal only to certain people in certain circumstances. Certainly we have to recognize cultural differences when it comes to self-disclosure and respect them in our Mentees.
Trust and Self Disclosure
There are three general preferences when it comes to self-disclosure. 1) the individual self-discloses very little, 2) the individual self-discloses a lot and early on, or 3) the individual self-discloses gradually over the course of the relationship. The level of trust felt by others toward these people exhibiting these different patterns is interesting. Those who share too much and too early are surprisingly are often trusted the least, and the gradual self-disclosers the most. This is because we are often repelled by ‘over sharers’ and this is because disclosure is often seen as being a reciprocal activity where there are expectations that the other must ‘match’ the self-disclosure of the other person.
Types of Self Disclosure in Mentoring
Self-disclosure takes three primary faces in the Mentoring Relationship.
§ Transparency in the present. Sharing awareness and current or emerging insights. This is the Mentee sharing the content of their insight and their response or reaction to becoming aware of that information. It can also refer to the Mentor revealing their own reaction/response to what is occurring in the session. This is not just an observation about the Mentee, but also includes the Mentor’s own feelings. EG. “I’m really touched by what you just said about your family”. “Wow – I can see that this feels extremely tough for you!” When sharing in this way, as the Mentor, you need to be very conscious about the choice to share, what in fact to share that is appropriate and finally extremely careful not to sound or convey judgment.
§ Historical Stories. Where there are similar content or themes shared between the Mentee and Mentor. This is the most common form of self-disclosure as it helps convey that the Mentor can relate more closely to their Mentee’s experience. It may be a story similar in content (Yes, I also found it very challenging when I ran my first marathon) ; or in theme (You know, I had to muster all of my courage in exactly the way you did when I confronted my supervisor about their bullying me). The key to this history sharing is that it is short, to the point, confirming and that it ties back to the Mentee’s own story and the spotlight quickly shifts back to him or her.
§ Personal Biographical Information. Mentors sometimes choose to share personal information to help build the Mentoring partnership. Such things are having children, being married etc. The Mentor who comes across as totally private and secretive in such areas will be less trusted. The challenge however, is to also maintain strong professional boundaries whilst also being able to relate to the Mentee as an authentic human being.
Reasons for Self-Disclosure in Mentoring
When we disclose we role model behaviour. By sharing more openly we provide unwritten permission for our Mentee to do likewise. We come across as less defensive, less guarded and that lets our Mentee know it is safe for them to do so.
Self-Disclosure also increases trust in a Mentoring relationship. It makes the Mentor more human and real, and it circumvents any top-down relationship tendencies and builds what we want in Mentoring – which is a co-learning partnership. It balances the relationship and empowers the Mentee more.
As Mentors, who generally have more experience than the Mentee, it helps the gaining of new and different perspectives. Seeing a similar experience handled differently can be extremely helpful and can open up some new possibility in thinking, and unstick a Mentee who can’t see other options for action. All of this instils hope and encouragement.
The Mentee through the Mentor’s self-disclosure realises that they are not the only one. They are reassured that their own reaction is not unusual and others who’ve been through something similar have felt the same way. In this situation modelling vulnerable behaviour through sharing when things didn’t work out, and what you learned in that circumstance. As a consequence rapport and trust may increase as it supports the partnering aspect and encourages the Mentee to embrace self-acceptance.
How to Use Self-Disclosure and Do it Well.
When Self-Disclosing in a Mentoring situation there are a number of things to consider:
§ WHAT to disclose
§ IF and WHEN to disclose
§ HOW to disclose
§ HOW MUCH to disclose

To practice thinking through some relevant life examples you may think to use when presented with common Mentee Scenarios, Please click the link to: Example Mentee Scenarios.
Welcome back!!
Mindsets to Engage
It is important to hold an appropriate mindset before Disclosing. Do a self-check in the moment and make sure that you have the following in place:
§ Tune into self, the Mentee and what is happening in the space between
§ Be very conscious about what you disclose – selectivity and relevance, your underlying intention
§ Trust that it will be helpful and valid
§ Check for the impact on the Mentee. Spoken and non-verbal responses
§ Note if you have a reaction yourself, and let go of it.
When the Mentee Asks
If the Mentee asks what your experience or view of a particular situation or issue, it is often helpful to delay your response. One way to do this is to say “I will share my own journey; however, let’s first explore what it looks like for you” Doing this avoids any unintentional influence. It is sometimes helpful also to draw out on paper a diagram or flow of what it looks like for them – so that you can both see a visual of it.
Once they have exhausted their input, only then do you share. Share both the context and the circumstances in order to delineate from the current situation the Mentee is describing. If you feel it is relevant you may also share other third party examples – without naming names. The learning and expanded insight comes when you return to the Mentee and ask them how these examples add to what has been discussed.
It is important the attention and focus shift back to the Mentee, and as Mentor you help them in the process of making sense and adding value to their situation with the objective of expanding on existing perspectives and thoughts that may not have previously come to mind.
Asking for Permission
An effective way to self-disclose is to acknowledge the Mentee’s experience and ask permission to share your own relevant experience (which must be tied back to the Mentee’s story in a relevant way). Thus the rationale for telling your story must have a purposeful purpose/intention behind it, and not be about enhancing your own feelings about yourself, or to make you look clever, and expert or in any other way ‘good’ for the sake of that. It must be a purposeful strategy, with the tie back occurring immediately, otherwise it may become a “hot button” where the Mentee feels like the Mentor is being ego driven and “making it about them” and feel discounted.
Watch-outs
Self-disclosure may compromise the professional relationship by creating expectations. It may move the focus away from the Mentee and runs the risk of pressuring them to do something they are not ready for. Particularly where there are differences in values or core beliefs.
Overuse. Too much, too frequently leads to distrust and even a perception of lack of competence. Likewise underuse can come across as uncaring, impersonal or even arrogant – so it is a fine balance that the Mentor must find for themselves
Persuasion. Never ever use Self-disclosure to urge, convince or persuade a certain decision or course of action onto the Mentee. (Pushing the Mentor’s agenda or favourite solution etc. )
“My way is Best” using it to advocate that the Mentee take a same course of action that you took to create your own success, implying that doing it any other way will not succeed.
Process or Balcony Disclosures
Where Self-Disclosure can be very helpful is what is called a Process or Balcony Disclosure. This is when we step out of the content and take a look at what is going on in the process or the dynamic of the conversation. EG. “I feel we are going around in circles today, what is your impression?” This is direct communication about what is happening.
A Final Word.
Using Self-disclosure can help open or close doors. Returning to the Trust and Tension conversation in the previous session, the Mentoring relationship is not a friend to friend chat. The Mentoring conversation is a professional exchange of energy and ideas, of planning and possibility thinking. It is purposeful, conscious and intentional whilst still being natural and entirely human. To be in a trusted space together and share for the purpose of development and growth means both expressing who we really are, and in doing so with a keen awareness as the Mentor of our choice and our responsibility.
We will be exploring Self-Disclosure more deeply in Phase 2 when we explore the Johari Window in the Frameworks and Tools Modules.
Some of the content above has been adapted from the following sources:
Mindtools.org